PPCing from Response Center 72: The Veronica File
by those vaguely akin to humanity
Summary: In which our beloved agents make utter fools of themselves, prophecies again come into play, many disturbing parallels arise, and a lust for death makes another appearance. At least they have official help this time. Well, kind of...
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: We own not Harry Potter, X-men, Star Trek (our many Vulcan references), Abhorsen, the PPC, or the 'Sue and her story. 'Shesti' is Shin'a'in curse, which belongs to Mercedes Lackey. War Princess Sushi belongs to herself (well, she has an equal share anyway), as do Sam, Beth, Diana, and Valdenia. Twitchy is ours. Okay, Myth's. But she's a good sharer.

**Prologue:**

If someone had chanced by response center number seventy-two at ten-thirty sharp on Monday, the twenty-fourth of October, they would have heard many thumps, scratchings, and cries of "No, not _there_!".

If that person had entered, they would have found that the conversation was not as dirty as it sounded. In fact, had it been spring, and had any dust actually been removed, the activity would have been called spring-cleaning. Inside the aforementioned response center, Mithrenriene Rochmabriel (known to most sentient beings as Myth), and her partner, the assassin Isabel Stanton (known to only her partner as Izzie), were rearranging the souvenirs that Isabel had collected over her time as an agent for the PPC, to make room for human habitation. They appeared to be arguing over something. As this hypothetical person drew nearer, words could almost be distinguished amidst the random blips and crashes around the room.

A few minutes later, it seemed the duo had reached an agreement, for the bangings and scratchings had stopped, and a triumphant "I told you so!" would have reached the ears of the one wandering by, had it been anyone but a hypothetical observer.

Myth was holding a one-way conversation with a freestanding lamp while her partner looked on. "Ha! Not so tough when you've been put in your proper place, huh, Mr. Lamp?" The lamp didn't deign to reply.

BEEP!

"Shesti!" Myth spun and hit the lamp with her outstretched arm. The lamp (predictably) fell into the computer, which beeped a protest.

"Why are you always doing that?" Isabel asked as she strode over to the computer.

Beep!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm workin' on it…" Isabel shoved the lamp into an upright position and dragged it to the corner of the room furthest away from the computer she was addressing.

"It's not my fault! That lamp is evil!" Myth protested, as she clicked the 'show details' button on their computer. Then the woman froze, her entire body (from the top of her five-foot-five-and-a-half head, to her size nine shoes) as stiff as if she was the victim of a full body bind curse.

"It's that bad?" Isabel queried, after noting her partner's expression.

"She gets transferred to the second year in the first week. She's adopted by the Potters. Remus tells her he's a werewolf. Two. Friggin' days. After. They. MEET! Why do we keep getting stories with prophecies?"

"Ouch."

"That's just the first one! This story, dear partner mine, has a sequel."

"Ow. So, she's a James luster? What does she do with Lily, have her fall for Sirius?"

"Uh-uh. She's not a James luster."

"Oh, just move already!" Isabel pushed Myth aside (gently: It wouldn't do to injure someone with such a passion for correct grammar) and looked at the screen. She saw something that Myth had missed, "We're supposed to wait for backup? Huh…" she scanned- and stopped. "No… It can't be…"

"She's a Remus luster. There's a prophecy. Her eyes change color. Seeing any disturbing parallels?"

"Why'd they give _us_ this case?" Isabel's voice had risen an octave.

"We have backup." Myth's voice was quiet.

"Why are you so calm all of a sudden?" Isabel was screeching now.

"It seems to be the only way I will not begin to destroy innocents in my rage."

"Ah." Isabel edged away. Myth was scary when she was in Vulcan mode.

"You want to know the worst part?" a voice called from outside the response center, "She's reincarnated, so…"

"We can't kill her." Myth finished gloomily. "It'll be Rubyflame all over again. Why us?"

"I'd guess it's because just about everyone but the few coming with you, which includes us, by the way, is out on assignment."

"Makes sense." Myth turned to the new arrivals, for there were two, and waited for them to introduce themselves. There was an awkward pause on the part of the newcomers. Myth was perfectly comfortable, and Isabel in a seething rage.

After one point two six eight five three minutes (Myth was still in Vulcan mode, and so made exact calculations), one of the pair jumped and blushed. "Sorry. I'm Beth, and this…" she gestured toward the bespectacled man beside her, "Is Sam. We're part of your backup, Ma'am. And, uhh… other ma'am."

"Ma'am?" Myth tipped her head to the side.

"Other ma'am?" Isabel snapped out of her angry daze.

"Well, you're the senior partners, and we're both new, so…"

"And you…" Sam pointed to Isabel, "Are the other ma'am."

"It's rude to point." Myth said absently, her mind registering something else Beth had said. Apparently, Isabel had noticed the same thing.

"You said… _part_ of our backup?" At that moment, a tremendous ruckus began out in the hallway. The three women trooped outside, followed by Sam, who bumped into Myth when she banged her shoulder on the doorframe. Once outside, the source of the noise became clear in the form of two people arguing heatedly.

"This one is number seventy-two, you utter twit!"

"No, _this_ one is!"

"This one!"

"This one!" The rooms they were standing in front of were numbers seventy-three and four, respectively.

"Ummm… It's actually right here." Isabel put in helpfully. The argument continued right over her.

"Name, rank, and serial number. Now!" Myth barked. Beth and Isabel covered their ears.

"What?" asked one of the unidentified people.

"Name, rank, and serial." Myth repeated in a quieter tone.

"WarPrincessSushi, PPC assassin… and… Kellogg's." everyone blinked.

"Okay…" Isabel turned to the male. "Now you."

"Twitchy, Formerly a DORD agent, now an assassin. And, what she said."

"Twitchy? Weren't you and Crash partners?" Myth asked.

"Yeah, but she's in Med now. Crashed one too many times." He chuckled at his joke.

"You were the one driving." WarPrincessSushi muttered, sending him a glare. He grinned at her.

Isabel cleared her throat, trying to get the attention of the bickering agents. When that didn't work, she tried clearing it louder. Failing that, she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Hey everyone! Look! That man has his hair on fire!" She pointed, and everyone's head swiveled in the direction she was pointing in. Among PPC agents, this was not such an uncommon sight.

"Yeah..." Myth drawled, looking at her partner with an expression of which Spock would be proud (that is to say, none at all, and he wouldn't be proud, but whatever).

"So…" Beth decided to ignore the strangeness that was the senior assassin, "You're here to help?" At Twitchy's nod, she turned to War Princess Sushi. "Can we call you Sushi?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Sushi replied, still looking in the direction that Isabel had pointed. Then she turned back to Isabel and said, "Actually, there are two of them, they're women, and their hair _certainly_ is not on fire. Though some of it _is_ red."

The two women in question were a delicately built redhead hollering at a tall, willowy, silvery blonde woman. The latter had a slightly blank smile on her face. She interrupted her aggressor's yelling by saying, "Diana, we're here."  
The redhead (now known to be Diana) stopped mid-word and looked up. "You lit- oh, hello everyone! Come on, Pip," she grabbed her partner's wrist, "let's join the party."

"Whoa. _Di _is part of our backup? Now, what _are_ the odds?" Myth was aghast.  
"They call you Di?" squealed Diana's tagalong, "How _sweet._"  
"Umm ... don't take this the wrong way, but you... sorta ... look like a 'Sue." Sushi, ever untactful, as her associates would learn, said what was on everyone's mind. And so the girl did have several… erm… interesting traits, such as knee-length silvery blonde hair (as was noted before), a tall, willowy, rather hour-glassy figure, and an incredibly pale pair of blue eyes. She also possessed a perfect nose, long eyelashes, soft, full, _very _red lips, and pale skin.

"Well, actually..."  
"She's a rehabilitated 'Sue. Though sometimes I wonder."

"I am Draco's half-veela twin sister, and my name's Valdenia!"  
"You see?" Diana said, rather exasperated. Valdenia ignored her.  
"Or, I was. Now I'm going to help exterminate those menaces to canon! You can call me Val, if you must shorten my name."  
"I call her Pip." Diana added.  
"She seems... enthusiastic..." Myth had struggled to find something less than insulting to say.

"That's one word for it," Isabel muttered out of the side of her mouth to Sushi, who seemed a bit surprised at being addressed, but snickered a bit just the same.  
"What was that? My half-veela ears are quite good at picking up snide comments, I'll have you know." Valdenia's pale blue eyes flashed orange with anger.  
"What? Oh, nothing, my dear...Val." Isabel attempted (and failed) to straighten her facial expression.

"Gator colors! Cool!" Myth squealed. Everyone stared at her.

"Myth squealing is… rather disturbing." Twitchy said in an aside to Isabel, "It's almost as scary as when she goes berserk over someone giving Bajorans smooth noses." Isabel cuffed him over the head.

"And are Bajorans _supposed_ to have smooth noses?" she queried.

"Well… no…"

"Then she has every right. And don't insult her. Only I can do that."

"What gives you sole right to insult her, hmm? Maybe the rest of us think she's frightening and want to say so. Which she is..." Twitchy nudged Isabel with a stray elbow. Isabel merely turned and favored him with a Stare of Doom.  
"I would watch yourself, Agent Twitchy. You never know what might end up down the back of your shirt..." she grinned with a hint of malice.

"Like you could."  
"Oh, she would." Myth appeared next to them. "And she'd get Sushi to help. What were you guys talking about?"

"Oh, nothing." Isabel batted her eyelashes innocently. "I was just threatening Agent Twitchy here with bodily harm."  
"Ahh." Myth seemed to ponder this. "Normally the whole innocent act would prevent me from believing you, but in this case I do." She shook her head and looked at Twitchy. "Watch yourself, Agent."

"Okay!" Beth called, "Let's make a plan of action!" Everyone stared at her. "What? Don't we need a plan?"  
"Actually... We usually figure it out as we go along." Myth said.  
"And that _works?_"  
"Usually." Isabel replied defensively.

"Upon thinking about it," Myth interjected, "due to the complication of this fic, we should probably formulate at least an outline. That, and we did get in quite a bit of trouble last time, because we forgot the horsie things and the 'Sue bodies…"  
"Yeah, but I don't think that could happen this time…"

"Unless all of us fly off into rages of various intensities…"

"It's that bad, is it?" Sam asked.  
Sighing, Isabel put her hand on her forehead and nodded. "Let's at least go into the room, it should be a little less crowded."

Myth snorted, chuckled, and began to laugh outright. Seeing that everyone was looking at her for who-knows-what-number-it-was-now time, she stopped.  
"You were serious?"

"...well, I was, until you started to laugh."

Still snickering a bit, Myth shook her head and walked through the door of the response center. "Have it your way, then."

When they all piled in (literally, in some cases), Myth shouldered her way through those standing, tripped over Beth and Sam (Sam was sprawled in Beth's lap, and his feet sort of stuck out), and pulled down an over head canvas that Isabel hadn't known they possessed.

. "I didn't know we had that," Isabel pointed to the overhead canvas. "Or that." when Myth rolled out an overhead projector.

"It's amazing what you dig up when cleaning out your office while your partner is napping." Myth said as if to thin air, referring to the beginning of the 'spring cleaning'.

"And it's a good thing I woke up when I did; otherwise you'd have thrown out all my old case files!" Isabel gestured rather grandiosely (or so she thought) to a corner filled with piles of messy paper, knocking Twitchy in the nose.  
"They looked like old bird-cage lining, what was I supposed to think?"  
"Since when have we had a bird?"  
"Since we got Lorram, duh!"

"...Shut up!"  
"No, you shut up!"

"Hey!" The warring partners simultaneously turned their glares upon Diana, who didn't cower away. "The overhead, if you please."  
"...fine." Myth pulled out a huge binder of overhead paper. "We have at _least_ four 'Sues, several character replacements, many, many OOC people, and... what the... THREE CHILDREN! No one ever said ANYTHING about CHILDREN!"  
"...One of them is seventeen, Myth." Diana broke in soothingly.  
"But..." The distraught agent thought for a moment. "Okay, here's the deal. We adopt the kids, we rear them as assassins, and we raise them as our own."  
Only Sushi looked the least bit excited about this. Isabel poked Myth in the side. "Hey, what about that place we pass every time we go to Sunflower Official's office? Didn't it say something about children?"

"Yeah! Let's dump 'em on somebody else!" Diana said brightly. "And I know what you're talking about, Isabel. I met the woman in charge once. Her name's something like… Kristin? Christine! There it is."

"Yeah, Christine." Isabel nodded thoughtfully. "What do you think, Myth darling? Once they're old enough, they'll come to us for assassin training."

"They might even have something to accelerate the kids' growth..." Beth mused.

"Anything's possible here." Twitchy was having a rare moment of sanity, it seemed.

"Back to the mission…" Sam broke in, seemingly deciding to be the voice of reason.

"Yes. Erm. Mission. Right." Isabel fumbled around for words, and then looked at Myth. "You're the one with the big shiny binder, love."

"Okay. So, there're at least five 'sues-"  
"You said four." Valdenia interrupted.  
"Five 'sues, countless bits-"  
"But you said four before!"  
Myth raised her voice, "Many, many character replacements-"  
"But you said four 'Sues before!" Valdenia obviously was not letting this go. Diana thwacked her over the head, hitting Sushi in the ear with her elbow in the process, and told her irritably to shut up and be quick about it.

Myth continued once the two had settled down. "-many, many character replacements, and other such nasty things. Obviously, this is a very difficult matter..." She would have continued, but Isabel's patience had finally run out and she interrupted.  
"Correct me if I'm wrong, Myth, but in a nutshell we're going to split into partners at some point so we can go after the wee sleekit cowrin beasties without tripping over each other, right?"

Myth refrained from using one of her variety infamous glares with herculean effort. "I was _speaking_. But yes, we will be splitting up, first into groups of four, then into pairs, one newbie to each fairly experienced agent."

"Thank you for simplifying it." Isabel bowed with some difficulty, nearly knocking her head on the projector.

"Yeah. So then, we have… a crossover. Okay, we can handle that… a crossover with X-men… I'm not sure _I_ can handle this…" Myth sat down on top of Sam, putting considerable weight on Beth, who began spluttering.

"We can handle it; we've just got to get started." Isabel shook her head and pulled Myth off of Sam to allow Beth some breathing room. "We should go... like now. It always works best when we fly by the seat of our pants." She dialed in the portal coordinates and tugged Myth through behind her. She was followed by Beth, Sam, and Diana, who dragged Valdenia through by her wrist.

Twitchy didn't even bother grabbing Sushi, who commented, "Wasn't that lamp in the corner a minute ago?" before hopping after her somewhat-less-than-loving partner.

_Myth's A/N:_ We're back! Yes, a Harry Potter/ X-men monstrosity. I don't _think_ she's a mutant, but she does have quite a few X-men receive wands. She also has multiple personalities, which no one comments on!

_Isabel's A/N:_ This will be our busiest mission yet. It will be amazing, and most interesting... muahahaha. Stay tuned!


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** The PPC is not ours. It belongs to Jay and Acacia. The Shin'a'in belong to Mercedes Lackey, Lupin's True Love and Lupin's True Love Returns belong to Carey Ann Lupin.

**Chapter 1:**

With eight moderately loud thumps, the agents landed in the middle of Platform 9 ¾, located in a very busy King's Cross Station. Hustling everyone into a corner, Isabel raised her voice over the bustle of the crowd and asked, "Okay, whose partner is a newbie?"

Diana raised her hand. "Mine is."

Twitchy pointed at Sushi with a disgusted expression, as if newbie was contagious. "Her." Sushi took no notice of this, as she was off in her own Sushi-world. California rolls were her specialty.

Beth and Sam both raised their hands, acknowledging their newbieness with small, shamefaced grins.

"So… I'll take Sam?" Isabel looked at Myth.

"Sure, and I'll take Beth."

Beth leaned over to Sam and whispered, "I love how they're treating us like parcels of meat."

Myth, overhearing this less-than-flattering comment, turned to the two with an evil grin. "Who says you're not, dearie?" Slightly creeped out, Beth shut up.

Isabel turned and admonished her partner. "No scaring the newbies. We want them at least partially sane."

"We do? I mean…of course!" Myth quickly switched gears as three sets of newbie eyes settled on her with some malevolence.

Sushi snapped out of her half-trance and looked at the rest of the agents. "She's hee-eere…"

Isabel spun around to scan the crowd, and sure enough, she saw a girl with "waist length brown hair" being laughed at by three boys in black robes edged with green.

"Okay, everyone, you know the drill." All the newbies looked at Isabel with some incredulity. "I beg your pardon, I misspoke. You know what to do. To the train!" She ran towards the train with her fist extended, and was followed somewhat more slowly by everyone else.

They fought for possession of the doorway, but finally piled through into the corridor. They then squabbled about which way the 'Sue went, ended up agreeing on a direction, and found her compartment before picking their own, which 'happened' to be opposite hers. Isabel grimaced as she listened through a crack in the door to Veronica's conversation with the 'Amazing Trio'.

"Awww, in'it cute? She's lecturing James and Sirius on manners because they were cruel to Snape. Oh noes." Isabel mock frowned as the conversation continued. All of a sudden, she dove away from the crack in the door, and onto a very surprised Sam and Myth, as Veronica stalked out of her compartment and down the corridor. Isabel, deciding she was quite comfortable where she was, motioned for Diana to take the eavesdropping post.

Myth shoved Isabel off her lap, gestured for Beth to follow, and ran out after Veronica as she pulled an UBIM over herself. Isabel got off of the floor (where she had decided she was comfortable as well), and gestured to Sam with a 'come here if you value your ears' hand motion as she trotted off after Myth, doing the same with her own UBIM. Sam looked at Twitchy, who looked at Diana, who sighed impatiently and snarled at everyone to get off of their lazy arses and move.

The group, sans Myth and Isabel, ended up moving as a blanketed clump down the corridor after having once again forced their overlarge group through the door. They arrived just in time to witness Veronica staring at a man with 'shoulder length silvery blonde hair and a pale pointed face'. Over in the corner was a girl who looked like a pale imitation of Veronica. Diana blinked and looked at the Words. Upon identifying the character, she smiled with a manic glint in her eye and hooked her newbie, Valdenia, by the wrist.

She dragged her to the character, now known to be 'Verona', and pulled her into the nearest empty compartment, along with her confused partner. She then drew her crossbow out of her ugly green pillowcase, dropped Valdenia's wrist, and told the girl to 'restrain Verona, and be quick about it'. A bit puzzled, Valdenia took the unresponsive character's wrists and pulled them behind her back. Diana slapped her forehead with her free hand and said, "Just… push her against the wall, please." Valdenia giggled and complied. Diana loaded her crossbow and carefully aimed it at Verona's chest.

"Two houses, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we lay our scene," Diana quoted in a cheerful tone as the crossbow punched two arrows into Verona, one on the left side and one on the right. "One for Montague," punch, "and one for Capulet," punch. She yanked her arrows out of the corpse and walked back into the corridor. Isabel gave a quizzical look at the blood-stained bolts. Diana shrugged and re-covered herself with her UBIM. "I got my killing license when I had some spare time." She tossed the corpse out the window after having tried to shove the body into her pillowcase, apparently forgetting not all of their bags were nearly weightless inter-dimensional thingamabobs.

"Wasn't going to ask, but okay." Isabel thrust a UBIM-covered fist in the air. "Let's go!" Pausing, she turned to Myth. "Where is it, exactly, we are going?"

"Weren't you paying attention when I went over this earlier?" Myth gave Isabel a withering look on half strength.

"...Yes, but you know I'm complete pants at directions!" Isabel pleaded, ignoring the withering look. "And at remembering things in general, now that I think about it..."

"I think we go back to the compartment. Then follow her around 'till Hogwarts... then split up." Beth was consulting a little pocket book in which she appeared to have taken notes. There was a short pause before she looked up.

"... I like her." Myth told her partner. "I really, really do."

Isabel nodded slowly, apparently lost in thought. "You know... that's just crazy enough to work! Let's do it!"

Just then a girl with auburn hair appeared and began helping Veronica.  
"Bit alert!" called Isabel, taking out a notebook of her own and scribbling.  
Diana gave a little choking sound and pointed at the Words.  
_"What happened, Lily?" Remus asked.  
_"So he's talking to Lily. Nothing unusu-" Myth choked as well.  
"What?" asked Beth. She looked at the Words. "...oh."

"Would someone tell me what's going on?" Isabel queried.  
"She gave Lily auburn hair." Myth informed her partner, beginning the traditional 'glare at the 'Sue 'till she's dead' activity.

So?" Valdenia showed her not-completely-rehabilitated head.  
"The definition of 'auburn' in the dictionary is 'reddish-brown'. Lily's hair is RED. Just red. No brown." Beth informed the former 'Sue.

Isabel finished her scribbling with a flourish and kept watching the 'Sue.   
_"Someone stunned her." Severus spoke over the din the crowd was making. "I watched as she tried to stop him but he got her first."  
"YOU!" Sirius started toward Severus. "You did this because she's friends with us."_  
"Wow, that was a rather out-there statement. 'You hurt some girl you don't even know just because she's friends with your enemy.' Show me canonical evidence of Severus doing something this extreme, and I'll show you hell frozen over." Isabel shook her head. "Stupid heavy-handed author..."

"Actually, Isabel, the Shin'a'in hell was frozen over. They think cold is far, far worse than heat." Myth caught Isabel's glare, and added hastily, "I see what you mean, though. And I agree."

"_Because I saw her walk by my compartment. I stepped out to talk to her and explain why I didn't want to stay with the 'Amazing Trio'. I tried to get her attention and that's when I saw a man with silvery blonde hair. She half-turned and looked out the window." Severus knelt beside Remus, Lily, and Veronica. "She saw him and turned to face him. I don't know what was said but that's when he stunned her."  
_"Despite paying such close attention to her, Snape managed to miss what was being said? Wow, I want him and his observation skills." Beth seemed extremely proficient at sarcasm, and Isabel discreetly made a checkmark in her notebook. When Myth raised her eyebrows at this notation, Isabel merely shrugged and put a finger to her lips, gesturing with the notebook hand to continue watching the destruction of canon. A few minutes later, they had returned to the compartment in very nearly one piece (they couldn't expect to be completely whole, being PPC agents and eight people and all that).

"Snuggling." Myth muttered, rather disgusted by the whole thing. "This time, I'm really going to go to sleep. Someone ring Ranna." She removed the pillbox sized bell from the ever-present bandolier and held it up. Isabel immediately backed away from the bell, not trusting anything that came from Myth's bandolier due to a bad experience on the last mission. She'd rung the wrong bell and narrowly escaped death. Well, hadn't really escaped, but Myth and her super-wading skills had saved her.

Sushi walked forward and rung the outstretched bell. Myth's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she slumped on the floor, snoring gently. Except, the snoring wasn't coming from Myth's direction. The group spun to find Twitchy in an interesting position half on and half off the seat.

"...well, that's a sight I thought I'd never see," Sushi quipped. "A non-active Twitchy. Someone record this for posterity." Isabel was already scribbling. She appeared to be in scribe-mode for this story. Beth was looking at Myth with her head cocked to the right, and Sam was trying to get Twitchy onto the seat. This was not because he felt like being nice, but because there was only so much room in the compartment and more standing room was a must.

Isabel joined the effort to get Twitchy onto the seat, and together she and Sam managed to fold him up into a corner. Isabel plopped down onto the recently-cleared floor and said, "Well, since we have 'half a dozen games of chess and several hours' ahead of us, we can pretty much relax until Veronica wakes up. Any suggestions on keeping ourselves entertained?" She looked around at everyone.

"Chess?" Apparently, Twitchy had gotten most of the bell sound, as Myth was sitting up and rubbing her head.

"Sounds like a plan." Isabel dug into her knapsack and pulled out a magnetic chess board and a box of pieces.

Several hours later (they'd matched Veronica and her pals almost game for game), Isabel and Myth were facing each other over the board, Isabel with her rooks, king, queen, and a bishop left, Myth with her knights, one rook, and a queen to protect her king. Both had lost all of their pawns sometime in the last forty-six minutes. They were also holding a conversation in five different languages, occasionally pausing to correct one another's grammar or pronunciation. The languages were Sindarin, Quenya, and English, with occasional smatterings of French and Spanish.

"Ha! Le freux prend le chevalier! Ainsi... est-ce que elle réveille encore?"

Myth looked up from the chessboard confusedly. "Okay, I could sorta understand the rook part, from the fact that you moved it, but I know not what you said next."

"I said, 'Ha! Rook takes knight! So... is she awake yet?' Or something very close to it."

"I don't think so..." Sam said hesitantly, waking up from his chess-induced trance, just as Myth cried,  
"Ha! Checkmate! That's for Coquina!"  
"You named your knight?"  
"Shut up, Isabel, you have no room to talk. You named our desk chair."

"I happen to think that Gwendolyn is a nice name for a chair." Isabel stuck her tongue out at Myth. "What was that, Sam? I didn't catch it."

"I said, I don't think she's awake-"  
"Yes, she is!" Beth yelped as the 'Sue stood and walked to the bathroom.

"Awww, lookit. James is being the perfect gentleman! How sweet." Isabel watched the two nod at students in the corridor as they made their way to the bathrooms. "We need someone to document the drivel that goes on in the bathroom... who wants to?" She looked around at the agents expectantly, but no one volunteered. Beth actually appeared to _shrink_ to avoid being noticed.

"Ooh! Ooh, pick me!" Apparently Valdenia had only just registered the question. Diana sent the When-We-Get-Back-Your-Hair-Meets-My-Lighter glare at her with no effect.  
Isabel cackled evilly. "Di and Val, you've got the assignment! While you're gone, we'll work on waking Twitchy up."

This proved to be a very difficult task, as the remaining agents found when Diana and Valdenia left. All amounts of poking, prodding, and name-calling were to no avail. Not even pinching his nose and covering his mouth worked, though it did turn him interesting shades of blue and purple before they quit.

Finally, a candle was lit in Sushi's head. "Oh, hello, Crash." she said cheerily. The response was immediate. Twitchy yelped, rolled off of the seat, and yelped again when he hit the floor. He then proceeded to roll into the corner furthest away from the door (knocking Myth's legs out from under her in the process) to come up on one knee with a cry of, "I didn't do it, I swear!" He looked around wildly, and noticed everyone was either staring or laughing at him. He scowled and stood up, muttering, "That wasn't very damned funny." He plopped onto an empty seat with his arms folded, completely ignoring Myth, who was sprawled across the floor giving him a Glare of Doom.

Sushi grinned. "I thought so, and Crash would have, too. If you hadn't crashed that car in A Series of Unfortunate Events."

Isabel interrupted. "You know, that sounds like an interesting story, and I can't wait to hear it, but everyone's getting off the train now. Just so you know." She pointed to the window in the door, through which they could see students streaming down the corridor to get off.

"We should probably have given ourselves disguises at the response center…" Myth muttered, and dove into her nearly-weightless bag (the one that never left her back), for her D.O.R.K.S. and newly acquired C.A.D.

"That would indeed have been the smart thing," Isabel said in reply to Myth's comment. "Where've Di and Val gotten to?" Sushi wondered.

At just that moment, Diana and Valdenia dove back into the compartment, deeply out of breath.  
"Where were you guys?" Myth had her arm in her bag nearly up to the shoulder, rummaging around for the D.O.R.K.S. (the C.A.D. was next to her on the floor).

"Many places..." Valdenia panted from her place on the floor. "Many... scary places, even for... a former Sue."  
"We were in the bathroom," Diana clarified, only slightly less out of breath. "It was indeed frightening. There was girl-talk, and makeup, and braiding hair, and..." here she growled slightly. "Claiming of the Marauders. One girl per Marauder, as per usual."

"Urk." Myth made a sound of commiseration before demanding to see the charge list for what would now, and forever more, be called 'The Bathroom Scene'. With the capitals.

Diana handed over a notebook, not getting up from her prone position on the floor. "Careful, observation of this charge list may cause homicidal rages."  
"That's a normal state in Myth-land," Isabel cracked from where she was packing up her stuff. The train had stopped, after all.

"Shush, Izzie, I'm reading." Myth had to flip through the notebook to find the relevant page, trying not to see the disturbing redundancies.

"Yeah, Izzie, she's reading." Taunted Twitchy, still not best pleased over the evilness that Isabel had helped to perpetrate. Isabel promptly thwacked him over the head with what appeared to be a large purple geometry textbook, and was actually her D.O.R.K.S.

"She may, you may not."

Twitchy crossed his arms and sulked, not happy with the apparent hierarchy of power. Isabel and Myth, true to form, did not notice.

"So you think Lily isn't Lily at all, but a replacement?" Myth muttered. "That could be possible... She knelt in front of Lily in the bathroom? Sound's kinda kinky..."

Isabel made her way over to Myth. "Can I see that?" She pointed to the charge list. "This sounds... interesting."

"Guys? Train leaving... NOW." Sam called their attention to the present.

"What?" Isabel and Myth looked up in unison.  
The movement of the train floor beneath them called their attention to the fact that Sam was indeed right. As the train pulled away from Hogwarts, Myth looked around and asked, "Okay, who's got the portal thingy?"

Everyone but herself, from Isabel down to Valdenia and including Sushi, pulled out a portal generator.  
"...That's not fair!"  
"Go now; bemoan the lack of a much needed mechanical device later." Isabel advised.

Someone (no one was quite sure who, but evidence points to someone with training) dialed in the correct coordinates, and they all leapt through the subsequent portal. Myth was the last to go, still grumbling about her lack of portal generator.  
The other side of the portal found them in the great hall, staring at something... unusual.  
Sushi was the first to break the silence. "What - what _is_ that?"

_Myth's A/N:_ And Myth's lack of technology again plagues her. This 'Sue's has a split personality, as well as color-changing eyes! Of course, it's all part of a prophecy... At least it's spelled correctly.

_Isabel's A/N:_ I am so tired right now, you have no idea. This Sue makes me sad. See y'all in the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** We are poor PPC agents. We own nothing you remotely recognize, including but not limited to Harry Potter, X-Men, InuYasha, the copyright to Legos, and other assorted cool things. We wouldn't touch 'Lupin's True Love' with a ten and a half foot radioactive stick, so there's no way in hell we own that, either. Isabel and Myth belong to us, as do Diana, Valdenia, Twitchy, Crash... yeah. You get the idea.

**Chapter 2:**

"What's what?" Valdenia asked perkily, looking around with curiosity. "Ooh, there's my brother! Hi, Draco!"  
Beth gave her a weird look. "You're under your UBIM, Valdena." she pointed out, mispronouncing Val's name. "I highly doubt he could see you, even if he was really your brother."  
"Whatever do you mean, Beth? Of course he's my brother."  
"Yeah, 'cause Narcissa was a Veela. Sure. Whatever."  
"But my mother wasn't a Veela, Beth."  
"So you had Lucius be one?"  
"Neither of my parents were Veela." Val said, looking slightly confused.  
"Then how are _you_ half-Veela?" Beth snapped, exasperated.  
"I don't know..." Val said confusedly. "I never thought about it before. I guess I just am."  
"'Sue logic!" Beth threw up her hands in disgust.

"I... I think it's a plot hole," Twitchy responded, not really sure of himself and ignoring the squabble behind him.  
"If that's a plot hole, it's the biggest damn plot hole I've seen in my many years as an agent," Isabel interjected.  
The object they were all staring at appeared to be a large, oblong rip in the space/time continuum. It shimmered gently, with all the colors in the spectrum and some that weren't. As they watched it ripple, it seemed to be almost... _beckoning_ to the agents, trying to coax them into its unfathomable depths. All the furniture in its general vicinity was slowly sliding towards it, heeding the summons. Without realizing it, Valdenia took a slow step forward, followed by another. Her eyes seemed transfixed by it (though it didn't take much to transfix Val). Strangely, Myth appeared to be hypnotized by it as well, and was in step with the sort-of reformed 'Sue.

Acting purely on instinct, Isabel and Diana raced towards their partners, knocking them away from the plot hole and, unfortunately enough, into each other. They landed in a tangle of hair, limbs, and knapsacks, and the jolt knocked Myth out of her trance. Too bad the same couldn't be said for Val.  
Once untangled, the other three agents stood up and dragged a semi-conscious Val out of harm's way, and dumped her unceremoniously behind a table. The rest of the group was standing around them in a tight huddle, throwing wary glances in the general direction of the plothole. One glance missed its mark and knocked over a vase that had miraculously survived the pull of the assumed plothole and, just as miraculously, had still been standing. You really should be careful throwing that sort of thing.

The tables stopped about a foot away from the large gap in the scenery, and Veronica decided she needed to speak to Dumbledore, after Snape grabbed her waist.

"Why me?" Myth whimpered, "Why must they all go after MY lust objects?"

"Maybe because you have so many?" Sushi suggested. The focus of the group was immediately shifted to her. "What?"

"How do you know I have so many L.O.s?" Myth inquired.

"I researched you and Isabel when I found out I'd be working with you. I'm not a complete ditz, you know. Your profile-y application things are there for anyone to see in the S.O.'s classified files."

"...but classified generally means 'not open to the public,' Sushi." Isabel gave her a weird look.  
"I know that." Sushi nodded.  
"Then how did you..." Isabel shook her head. "Never mind, let's go." Veronica was now headed for the High Table and a chair next to Dumbledore's.  
"Who wants to listen to the conversation this time?" Myth asked, looking pointedly at no one in particular.

"All of us." Isabel said firmly, "After we set our disguises so I can get this cursedly hot invisibility thing off of me!"

"Who wants what?" Diana piped up, going for her D.O.R.K.S.  
"Ravenclaw!" Myth cried, as though they were competing for parts in a school play.

Isabel stuck one finger up and said, "Gryffindor."  
Each of the other agents voiced their preference (or lack thereof), and it balanced out like so: Isabel, Val, Beth, and Twitchy in Gryffindor, and Myth, Diana, Sam, and Sushi in Ravenclaw.

"Val's not gonna be happy about this when she wakes up," commented Diana smugly, admiring her new robes.

"Why?" asked Beth, the ever-curious.

"'Cause, in her story, she was in Slytherin."

Beth snickered. "Can't wait."

"_There was a reason for your attack." Dumbledore heaved another deep sigh. "There is a prophecy that tells of a girl who is to help a dark wizard by bringing him to full power." Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled for a moment. "You, my dear, are the exact description of the girl. A quiet determined young lady who has grey eyes that change colors with her emotions. She will stand up for what she believes in. She will care for all things and people. She will only love one man for the rest of her life. Her true love."_

"That's where this so-called plothole is coming from!" Myth crowed.

Isabel elbowed Myth and whispered, "Keep your voice down! All crowing must be kept to whisper level."

"Hey... What's that?" Sam pointed towards the rift, where sparkles of highlighter green, pink, and yellow were floating out towards Veronica.

Isabel and Myth's mouths dropped open in unison as they took in the sight.  
"Could it be...?" Isabel whispered.  
"It couldn't..." Myth responded.  
"But it looks like..."  
"I know! But..."  
"I think it is..."  
"It's only been written about before!"  
This exchange was watched by the rest of the agents with some confusion. The general consensus among the six of them was… The senior partners were very, very strange. Sushi decided to speak up.  
"You guys are very, very strange."  
"This from someone who knows who my top ten L.O.s are." Myth retorted.

"But... what in the world is going on?" Diana queried, watching the sparkles thicken in number and float towards Veronica.

"It's only theoretical, you understand," Myth fell into what Isabel termed her 'Dr. Carter' mode, "But I believe we're seeing the effects of far too many discrepancies combining with another original character's completely unrealistic transport through space and time into the body that will harbor it's essence throughout the rest of this piece of uncanonical tripe."

She was met with six blank stares. Sam spoke up first. "Would you like to try again in English?"

Myth looked at him with an even blanker stare. "That was English."  
Beth cut in. "She means that there are so many problems that bringing in another 'Sue from somewhere else screwed the canon up so much that this was created. That-" she pointed at the sparkles, "Is the 'Sue."  
"Oh."  
"That's almost exactly what I said!" Myth said, her brow furrowed.

"Yes, but I said it in an understandable form," Beth pointed out.

Myth couldn't argue with that.

Veronica was escorted up to the Gryffindor common room by McGonagall and followed by eight agents.

"What... Is _that?"_ Twitchy asked, from under the weight of the still-unconscious Val.

"That's the second time in this mission." Beth commented, checking her notes.

What Twitchy was referring to appeared to be a bunch of incredibly tiny dots amassed in a sort of blobbish shape. As the agents moved closer, they began to hear a faint cry coming from the blob, which also appeared to be waving a bunch of minuscule signs.  
"Can anyone tell what its saying?" Isabel inquired from the back of the group.  
Sushi squatted down and listened hard. "It's more than one thing, and it sounds like they're saying... 'First Years!'... Over and over." She peered down at the signs. "The same thing's written on their signs." She stood up, confusion inherent in her posture. "What the hell?"

Myth snorted and pointed to the Words, "It's a plague that says 'first years'. Contamination masks on, and take out a few jars."

Isabel dug through her pack, and handed contamination masks around. Myth did the same with the jars, only she chose to toss them across the group at people. One broken jar and a band-aid later, the agents were armed and ready.

"Who else went to Dr. Fitzgerald for that course on medical stuff?" Myth asked absently, scanning the mass of blobs.  
"She's not in Dr. Carter mode anymore." Isabel needlessly informed everyone as Sam stepped forward and Beth backed away with hands upraised.

"Okay, let's see... Sam, you and Isabel gather as much of the plague as you can, and I'll pack the jars away." Myth brandished a biohazard carrying case. "The rest of you, go back over there." She pointed across the room. The five not chosen for containment wasted no time getting away after seeing the carrying case; biohazard symbols have that effect on people.

"Myth... You remember our other mission? The one with the plague, that the 'Sue was gonna save everybody from?" Isabel queried, eyeing the container.  
"Yes?"  
"Did you, by any small chance, actually drop that one off at the infirmary?"  
"No..."  
"So, how do you know that that particular biohazard container is empty?" There was a very long pause.  
"I suppose we open it."  
"But- It's a _biohazard_ container."  
"And?"

"There's probably something in there that is hazardous to our biology!"  
"Oh, be realistic. We're wearing our masks. What could possibly go wrong?" Myth opened the case, and all hell (almost literally) broke loose.

_Myth's A/N:_ Oops. I think Myth was thinking too much, and compensated by saying one of the most stupid things you can possibly say. I'm going to ruin the surprise (and possibly save whomever decides to read this story severe mental trauma) by informing everyone that this story becomes a Harry Potter/ X-men/ InuYasha/ Star Wars crossover. She sorts the mutants.

_Isabel's A/N:_ Guess what, kiddies? It took us three chapters to get through her one. Isn't that just... lovely? She will die in a wonderfully painful way, though I see this fic getting rather long. Thanks for sticking with us, and enjoy!


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** We are poor PPC agents. We own nothing you remotely recognize, including but not limited to Harry Potter, X-Men, InuYasha, the copyright to Legos, and other assorted cool things. We wouldn't touch 'Lupin's True Love' with a ten-and-a-half foot radioactive stick, so there's no way in hell we own that, either. Isabel and Myth belong to us, as do Diana, Valdenia, Twitchy, Crash... yeah. You get the idea.

**Previously, in PPCing from response center 72: The Veronica File:**

"What... is _that?"_ Twitchy asked from under the weight of the still-unconscious Val.

"That's the second time in this mission," Beth commented, checking her notes.

What Twitchy was referring to appeared to be a bunch of incredibly tiny dots amassed in a sort of blobbish shape. As the agents moved closer, they began to hear a faint cry coming from the blob, which also appeared to be waving a bunch of minuscule signs.  
"Can anyone tell what it's saying?" Isabel inquired from the back of the group.  
Sushi squatted down and listened hard. "It's more than one thing, and it sounds like they're saying... 'First Years!'... Over and over." She peered down at the signs. "The same thing's written on their signs." She stood up, confusion inherent in her posture. "What the hell?"

Myth snorted and pointed to the Words, "It's a plague that says 'first years'. Contamination masks on, and take out a few jars."

Isabel dug through her pack and handed contamination masks around. Myth did the same with the jars, only she chose to toss them across the group at people. One broken jar and a band-aid later, the agents were armed and ready.

"Who else went to Dr. Fitzgerald for that course on medical stuff?" Myth asked absently, scanning the mass of blobs.  
"She's not in Dr. Carter mode anymore," Isabel needlessly informed everyone as Sam stepped forward and Beth backed away with hands upraised.

"Okay, let's see... Sam, you and Isabel gather as much of the plague as you can, and I'll pack the jars away." Myth brandished a biohazard carrying case. "The rest of you, go back over there." She pointed across the room. The five not chosen for containment wasted no time getting away after seeing the carrying case; biohazard symbols have that effect on people.

"Myth... you remember our other mission? The one with the plague that the 'Sue was gonna save everybody from?" Isabel queried, eyeing the container.  
"Yes?"  
"Did you, by any small chance, actually drop that one off at the infirmary?"  
"No..."  
"So, how do you know that that particular biohazard container is empty?" There was a very long pause.  
"I suppose we open it."  
"But- It's a _biohazard_ container."  
"And?"

"There's probably something in there that is hazardous to our biology!"  
"Oh, be realistic. We're wearing our masks. What could possibly go wrong?" Myth opened the case, and all hell (almost literally) broke loose.

And now, the continuation…

**Chapter 3:**

Two hours, four broken tables, and a Screaming Hell-Cloud of Doom later, the previous biohazards were contained in a vial as a form of harmless-looking dust and Myth was being severely berated by Isabel. Or rather, Isabel was attempting to do so. She was hampered by a loss for words.

"You - of all the stupid - what - how the hell - _scheisse_, I give up!" Isabel threw her hands into the air and stalked over to the biohazard container, making sure it was completely locked. She kept muttering under her breath in other languages. "Argh, Myth no baka! Tu es une tête de la merde vraiment..."

"It's not _my_ fault Murphy's Law decided to kick in at exactly that moment," Myth muttered under her breath, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand and leaving a chartreuse smear.

Beth appeared at the top of the stairs, waving her notebook and trying to produce a whisper that would reach the rest of them in the common room.  
"What's she saying?" asked Diana as the DORD agent hauled the (still) unconscious Valdenia up by the armpits.  
"What've you got, Beth?" Myth called softly as the taller girl made her way down the stairs from the girl's dormitory.  
"My God, you should hear what's going on up there. It's all girl talk and 'let me do your makeup' and 'you're here one day and you're friends with the most popular kids, aren't you lucky?'" Beth shuddered. "It's frightening."  
She looked down at her notebook and said, "The most significant charge besides the OOC-ness of Lily is first- and second-years sharing a bathroom."  
"Well, actually... It's never mentioned what the bathroom situation is," Myth murmured, apparently trying to make up for her (if not numerous, then certainly grievous) mistakes.  
"Let's just add that to the list of 'Arguments we're not going to get into' and move on." Isabel had finished packing everything dangerous up, and was now standing with her arms folded surveying the common room.  
Ever so faintly, voices started to fade into hearing range from the girl's dormitory, and Twitchy's face froze in a look of horror.  
"The Sues are coming, the Sues are coming, everybody hide!" He promptly dove behind the nearest convenient piece of furniture, while everyone else grabbed their UBIMS and tried to become one with the wall. Or in Valdenia's case, one with the floor, after Diana covered her up at the last second.  
"We should really wake her up," Myth commented.  
"We should really split up," muttered Beth.  
"Shhh!" hissed Isabel down the line. "They're coming!"  
And so they were.  
"'Sue banter," Sushi grumbled, "I hate 'Sue banter."  
'At least she's not defying the laws of Physics." With Myth, physics was a proper noun, and you could hear the capitalization.  
"Yet," Diana added ominously.

As the 'Sue and her sycophants made their way to the Great Hall, the intrepid agents followed at a slower pace, being hampered by their UBIMs. Morale, needless to say, was low.  
"Do we really have to wear these stupid things?" Twitchy asked for the seventeenth time in a row.  
"Yes. We. Do," Myth answered between clenched teeth, also for the seventeenth time.  
"Unless you _want_ Veronica to spin-kick your head into the next dimension," Isabel offered up. "If that's the case, then by all means take yours off. We'll just stand and laugh. Waaaaay over there." She pointed for effect, forgetting no one could see her.  
"Uh oh, Peeves encounter," called Beth, who had somehow managed to place herself at the front of the group. "Watch your heads."

_As they made their way to the Great Hall, Peeves the Poltergeist pushed over a suit of armor. Veronica did a back flip to avoid it as the other girls screamed and ran beyond it._

"_Oh…an ickle firstie can avoid my tricks." Peeves hovered above Veronica as she glared at him._

"_I might be a first year but I can avoid most anything you can throw at me." Veronica's grey eyes flashed violet as Professor Flitwick made his way down the corridor._

"_Peeves, today isn't the day to make a mess here as Mr. Filch is already in a bad mood." Professor Flitwick waved his wand and the armor bounced back into place as Peeves floated through the nearest wall. "Are you ladies alright?"_

"That must be quite the rub for Peeves," Diana commented, still dragging Valdenia. "Lectured by Veronica _and_ Flitwick."

"Poor guy - well, poltergeist, but you get the point." Isabel shook her head. She'd always had a soft spot for anything transparent and tricksy.

"We need to split up," Beth reminded everyone for the umpteenth time.  
"Breakfast first," Isabel replied, "Myth gets bitchy if she's hungry."

That earned her a Stare, but Isabel ducked away before Myth could do anything but singe her braid a little bit. Throwing her braid over her shoulder, she waved the others into the Great Hall. "Let's put these disguises to good use, eh?"

"Shouldn't we wake Val up first?" Diana inquired. Everyone nodded, and made attempts. As with Twitchy, these were unsuccessful. Until Diana had the bright idea to pitch her less-than-conscious partner into James Potter's lap, minus the UBIM. Val woke with a screech.

"Father of my archenemy!" she cried, "You shall pay for what you committed upon my favorite teacher!" The entire hall fell silent.

"Whoops," murmured Diana.

"If you're talking about that thing with Flitwick and the shampoo, I've already been punished," James informed her. "And, uh, father?"  
Beth hurried over after handing her UBIM off to Sam.  
"She's been reading too many adventure stories," Beth supplied, dragging Val away from James, "She's trying to be like Veronica, but she got a little confused. Sorry for disturbing your greatness."

"What year are you in?" Veronica asked with the air of someone bestowing a great honor.

"Fifth, milady," Myth supplied, as she apparently appeared out of nowhere. Which, actually, she had, thanks to the UBIM. "We began our courses in the wondrous process that is the creation of magical phenomena together. Does milady wish to know more of our studies?" Veronica began to shake her head, but Myth ignored it and continued her use of improbably long words in order to properly educate the 'Sue, throwing in many thees, thous, and miladies. Even Beth's eyes were beginning to glaze over by the time Myth reached the point of turning a hedgehog into a fencing saber. The 'Sue had almost been charmed into Valdenia's former state before the maple tree the saber had become was carved into a specially-made wand.

Sushi, who'd been unusually quiet for the past half hour or so, pointed. "Look. Seats. Food."

"I concur, Sushi m'love!" Twitchy thrust his fist into the air. "Let us EAT!"

"Did you just call me 'love'?" Sushi asked incredulously as she leapt for a sausage.  
"Habit," Twitchy replied absently, sitting next to Myth and receiving a few odd looks for his Gryffindor uniform. Food disappeared at an alarming rate around the eight agents, who had not eaten a proper meal since their last dinner in the Staff Caff (and even then, the food didn't quite rate as edible).

In fact, Myth was certain the entree (fondly supposed to be 'meatloaf') had contained parts of a polgara demon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sushi grimaced at the black and white pudding, especially after Myth pointed out that there was a good bit of sheep's blood involved in the making.

"Ummm, dish if fo good!" Twitchy moaned, mouth crammed to bursting with sweet potato. Everyone ignored him, much to his chagrin, so he turned to Isabel and started trying to sneak bites of Shepherds Pie from her plate. He stopped after very narrowly avoiding a fork in his metacarpals.

"Well, I feel better," Myth informed the others after she had demolished a good portion of every dish mentioned above, plus a snickers bar she'd retrieved from her back pack.  
"Me, too. Do you have any more of those?" Beth asked plaintively.  
Isabel snorted. "Please, she's _Myth_. She probably has a seven course meal hidden away in that backpack of hers."  
"Only four!" Myth defended herself. "I couldn't keep the soup warm, and fish stinks up my bag."  
Isabel stared at her.  
"What?"

"I was being sarcastic. Wait, you have a salad in there?"  
"Only the bagged, Publix variety."

Isabel shook her head and turned back to stabbing at Twitchy's attempts at food theft.  
"Dude, there's plenty of food on the table. Take some of that." Sam gestured with his chicken leg at the expanses of food still remaining.  
"No - challenge - in - that," Twitchy grunted between feints.

"Stop that before you bring Her down on us, you... you..." Sushi appeared to be out of creative insults. Everyone else decided to help her out.  
"Demented spawn of an over-aged gerbil?" Diana suggested.  
"Idiot Snape/ Lucius slasher?" Valdenia supplied.  
"Misbegotten cannibalistic result of gene blending between a hyperactive piece of mistletoe and a 'Sue's single brain cell?" Beth chirped.  
"Low-down belly crawling food stealer?" Isabel offered.  
"Vertically challenged nincompoop without the cerebral capacity of a hyped-up Taurus, but without the sex drive to match?" Myth contributed.

"Uh... Mangy mutt?" contributed Sam.

"I'm not _that _short..." muttered Twitchy.

Diana looked up from the house of waffles she was building and noticed everyone was getting their schedules, and Veronica was headed out of the hall. Being one inclined toward theatrics, she spat out her mouthful of food and yelled, "The target is on the move! Repeat, the target is on the move!"  
Heads turned in her direction, but she was whisked away by the other, very annoyed agents under the cover of an UBIM. When they want to, PPC agents can be very fast.

They were proceeding at a fast clip, until Beth stopped dead.  
"Split _up_!" Beth hissed. They finally decided to take her advice.

_Isabel's A/N:_ And finally we split up! Things will certainly be interesting, I can tell you that much. Thanks for sticking with us, and there's more to come.

_Myth's A/N:_ Split up, split up, everybody everywhere, split up, split up, everybody do your share. Or, something to that effect.


	5. Chapter 4: Isabel & Co

**Disclaimer:** The authors claim no responsibility or ownership for Harry Potter, InuYasha, or X-Men characters. They do claim responsibility for the eight agents, and promise to feed and walk them twice a day. If you try to insinuate that Veronica and her related characters belong to them, you will never see your kidneys again.

**Chapter 4:**

Isabel, Sam, Diana, and Valdenia waved as their four companions tumbled, leapt, or dragged through the shimmery blue portal to the sequel to Lupin's True Love, entitled, oh-so-originally, Lupin's True Love Returns.

"I, for one, find it confusing that the author hasn't finished the first story, and yet has forty-three chapters in the sequel," Sam commented.

"I concur," Diana raised her hand.  
"I think we all agree, but we'd better get to work." Isabel re-settled her pack and started walking towards the Charms classroom. The other three quickly followed.

"Note that bit character," Sam pointed out a minute later. "And... aren't those-"  
"Molly Weasely's brothers? Yes, they are," Isabel finished in a tight voice.

"_Did you really do a back flip to avoid a suit of armor?" One of the Ravenclaw boys stared at her in awe. _

"Sure did, Blake." Veronica held out her bag. "Let me show you how to do it." Veronica quickly did a back flip and landed onto her feet. "It's just like second nature."

Blake Gebhardt laughed as he handed Veronica her bag. "Could you teach us?"  
"Sure." Veronica laughed as they entered the Charms classroom.

"Hey, Croft!" Veronica turned to another Ravenclaw. "Aren't you friends with Potter, Black, and Lupin?"

"Yeah. I met them at the train platform yesterday." Veronica extended her hand. "I never got your name."

"That's because I never gave it. I'm Fabian Prewett." Fabian took Veronica's hand. "My brother is Gideon Prewett. He is in second year Ravenclaw. He knows the guys too."  
"It's good to meet you." Veronica turned to the door as Flitwick entered the room. "I guess we should get to our seats."

"Yeah." Fabian sank into one of the seats as Veronica sank into the one next to him. "Time for class to start."

Veronica giggled as Flitwick climbed onto the books behind his desk. He cleared his throat as the rest of the class made their way to their seats.

Isabel stared. "I might cry."

"Why?" Valdenia still hadn't quite grasped the situation yet.  
"Just... just watch." Isabel had seen the Words, and knew what was coming next.  
"Disrespect to Flitwick!" Diana added. "That's-"  
"A charge and a half," Valdenia supplied.  
"At least," Sam added.

_Veronica proceeded to stretch her muscles. "The first thing I'm going to do is a simple cartwheel. You start with your hands over your head. Bring them down to the ground and your body follows into a handstand. Finally you bring your feet down and return to a standing position." Veronica quickly demonstrated the cartwheel. "Now I'm going to do a series of moves. Most I don't remember the names of so please bear with me."_

_Veronica took a running start and proceeded to flip and twist her way across the room. Finally she was standing at the opposite side of the room. Suddenly she began doing several flips and twists back across the room. "That's about all I remember." _

"Thank you, Miss Croft." Flitwick was clapping with the rest of the class.

Isabel pointed. "_That's_ why I might cry."

"Ouch," Valdenia commented. "At least I just was evil and helped the Dark Lord take over the world with a Cute Animal Friend in the form of a talking white rat with blue eyes. Wanna meet him?" she reached into her purse and pulled out the rat. "His name's Cheddar."

Everyone else only stared.

"Well, it is..." Valdenia muttered as she tucked the rat back into her purse.

"Right..." Diana said. Everyone then looked at her. "What, you think I pay attention to anything she says?"

This was considered by the group, and then generally agreed upon.

The not-so-merry women and man suffered through several more badly conceived paragraphs detailing Veronica's superiority to everyone else in the known world, such as:

"_Just a moment, Miss Croft." Flitwick waved goodbye to the rest of the class. "I noticed that you could answer every question that I asked today." Veronica started to speak but Flitwick raised his hand and stopped her. "Let me finish. I would like for you to perform a Levitating Charm."_

"_Wingardium Leviosa." Veronica watched as a feather floated toward the ceiling._

"_Good. Now I'm going to break this cup and I want you to repair it." Flitwick broke a teacup._

"_Reparo." The pieces of the cup jumped back together._

"_Okay. Now for the Unlocking Charm." Flitwick locked the door with a wave of his wand._

"_Alohamora." The lock on the door clicked open._

"_Miss Croft, I'm sorry to say this but you don't need to be here with the rest of the First Years. You are ready for Second Year work. I'm afraid you would be bored in my class before too long." Flitwick smiled broadly. "I'll speak to Professor McGonagall this evening."_

And,

"_Sorry I'm late, Professor Reinhardt, but Professor Flitwick wanted to see me for a moment. He sent a note." Veronica handed Reinhardt the slip of paper._

"_Of course, Miss Croft. Your classmates were just telling me about your flips and such during Charms. Perhaps you would demonstrate while I throw several curses at you?"_

"_Sure, Professor." Veronica placed her bag beside her desk._

_Reinhardt started throwing jinxes and hexes at Veronica as she flipped and twisted around the room. Finally she was five feet from Reinhardt when he sent a stunner at her. She did a flip over his head and brought her foot around his leg as he tried to avoid her._

"_Where did you learn that?"  
"A couple years of karate lessons." Veronica blushed slightly as she stared at Reinhardt._

"_Good moves." Reinhardt quickly wrote something down. "I want to speak with you after class."_

"Well, that just… hurt!" Valdenia whimpered.

Isabel watched the horrid plot device unfold in front of her, and wished for something to squeeze the life out of. Preferably Veronica.

She was patted on the shoulder in a quiet measure of encouragement by Diana, whose left eye was twitching sporadically.

"Will all the -twitch- classes be like this -twitch-?" You could almost hear the twitch being vocalized.

"Hey! Lunch!" Valdenia called, pointing again.  
"We just ate," Isabel pointed out.  
"Doesn't matter. I'm gonna go sit next to Proffesor Snape!"  
Diana caught the back of the (sort of) de-'sueified 'Sue's robes.  
"And when he wonders why you're sitting at the slytherin table with gryffindor robes on?"

"Actually, Snape sits at the staff table, which would be even weirder," Sam pointed out, finger in the air. Valdenia, caught crossways by logic, stopped moving forward to try and figure everything out.

Isabel smacked Sam in the back of the head. "No, he doesn't. This is Marauder time, remember?"

"Oh yeah..." Sam looked a bit embarrassed.

Diana stuck her tongue out at him just as Veronica ran into Anthony Abernathy.  
"Anthony Abernathy? Who the hell is Anthony Abernathy?" Isabel asked.  
"I dunno... but I like him," Diana commented as she watched the scene unfold.

_Veronica sighed softly and walked back into the castle. She found the other First Year Gryffindors and together they made their way down the stairs to the dungeons and their Potions class. The First Year Slytherins were already standing in the corridor. Veronica heard the snickering from the crowd. _

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Miss Croft. Let's see if she'll do something absolutely amazing for us." Anthony Abernathy smirked to his friends.

"Go Anthony!" cheered Isabel from the sidelines. From somewhere in his pack, Sam had procured a bag of popcorn and was passing it around.

"That was... rather pitiful, actually," Diana commented a minute later.  
"Oh, come on!" Isabel cried, "That comeback wouldn't have stopped an over-fed sloth!"  
"I want to hug him better," Valdenia cooed. There was, in the grand tradition of PPC agents in general and these agents in particular, a rather long pause, and some odd looks directed at Val.

Val, blissfully unaware of said pause and looks, was staring at Anthony with stars in her eyes. Which she removed a bit later because, you know, pointy things tend to hurt.

"It always worked before!" Valdenia pouted.

"Yes, sweetie, but you're with the PPC now. Things are different here." Isabel patted her on the shoulder a bit.

Diana showed no sympathy, instead thwacking Val over the head with The Prisoner of Azkaban. Hard.  
"Ow!"  
"You were having 'Sue-ish thoughts. No 'Sue-ish thoughts. Bad Pip."

Valdenia rubbed her head and moved away from Diana, pouting a bit. She positioned herself on the other side of Isabel, as if putting a mobile, backpack-carrying wall between her and the mean lady with the book would help her situation.

She obviously didn't know Isabel well at all.

Diana, ignoring all this, looked around. "So where's our dear Veronica?"

"Heh. Anthony just messed up her potion," Sam commented with child-like glee.

"Go Anthony! Get her!" Isabel stuck her fist in the air. She didn't quite say "colon capital D," but she was close.

"Teacher's pet," Diana muttered sourly as Veronica was called up to Tilbelt's desk.

_"You are very attentive to your surroundings. I would like to speak to Professor McGonagall about moving you into my Second Year class. I'm sure Mr. Black and Mr. Potter would benefit from your presence in class." Tilbelt wrote something onto a piece of parchment and handed it to Veronica. "Give this to Professor McGonagall once you get to your class." _

"Urk," Isabel choked. "That's just bad."

"I love how she went straight to 'Black and Potter could use your help'," grumbled Sam. "Laying it on a bit thick, are we?"

"Black and Potter are in no need of her help," Valdenia muttered, "They're perfectly capable of being irritating, shining beacons of light and goodness without her."

"Quick, she's leaving!" Isabel made a complicated series of gestures seeming to mean, "Get out of the way, you idiots, or she'll run into us!" The four vacated the general area of the door just in time to see Veronica slip out and head towards Transfiguration.  
"I don't think that even the freakishly smart girl (Hermione, wasn't it? I never really paid attention) could turn the toothpick into a needle the first day," Valdenia commented as she glanced up at the Words.

"You're... half right..." panted Isabel as the group hurried up the stairs after the 'Sue. "She made it... silver and pointy... but not really... a needle."

"Can we just ... skip to somewhere? Anywhere? Preferably somewhere where something bad happens to her?" Asked Sam plaintively a few minutes later.

"Definitely a reasonable suggestion." Isabel dug in her bag for her portal device, found it, and punched in a few numbers. She pressed the big red button, and with a 'schloomp' noise the portal popped into being.  
"Wow. Um. Okay." Sam blinked, not expecting to have his request filled quite so soon. "So. Where are we going?"  
Isabel turned around and smiled. It was not a smile designed to comfort, a cuddle-your-teddy-bear smile. It was designed to show the inherent mental state of the smiler, a sink-your-teeth-into-your-teddy-bear sort of grin.  
"You'll see."

_

* * *

_

_Myth's A/N:_ So, Isabel's finally moving out of the second chapter. Yes folks, she's only on _the second chapter._ Oy vey. Next chapter of this stars yours truly.

_Isabel's A/N:_ I was shopping one day, and I was forced to spend thirty minutes in a store that played one song over and over. The only line of the song was "Why does your love hurt so much, why?"  
That's what this fic makes me think of, only replace 'love' with 'plot' and you'll be closer to the mark.


	6. Chapter 5: Myth & Co

**Disclaimer:** We own the agents. Period. The End. And the Lamp of Doom, but no one would want that anyway.

Now that that's over with…

**Chapter Five:**

_April 19, 1996 _

In a middle school History classroom, a teacher sat at a metal desk grading papers. She glanced up as a man stepped into the room.  
"Principal Beck." The teacher laid her pen onto the pile of ungraded papers.  
"Ms. Croft." Mr. Beck closed the door behind him.

"Well, I'm glad we know the date," Beth said dryly.

"You know, something just occurred to me," Sushi said, stroking her chin. "Veronica Croft, Lara Croft... perhaps our dear author idolizes the Tomb Raider?"  
"She's probably seen the movie seventy times," added Twitchy. "Lord knows she probably doesn't play video games."

Myth shuffled her feet guiltily.  
"No!" Twitchy said in mock horror, "Myth, not knowing practically everything there is to know about the original canonical thing?"  
"Okay, first, that sounded stupid," Myth told him. "And second, I have the perfect comeback for that. I just don't want to waste it. But you wait. Oh, yes, it's time will come."

"That was quite possibly stupider -" Sushi paused. "More stupid? Whatever - Than what he said."

"We're not here to discuss my sentence structure," Myth snapped, "We're here to get rid of this Sue. Can we do our job, please?"

"_You've made a vast improvement on the…"_

"_History classes but we are unable to renew your contract."_

"_You weren't the only one that we had to let go. I hope you understand."_

"_Oh, I understand and I have seen this same thing happen far too often. I've been teaching for fifteen years and every time the students begin to raise their grades I get kicked out the door. You see I've been through this a few times before. My contract is never renewed after the students start passing the BSAP exam. I decided to take matters into my own capable hands." Veronica climbed to her feet as her grey eyes flashed violet with anger. "At least this time, I anticipated the way I would be getting the boot."_

"Flashing violet?" Beth muttered incredulously. "Why violet? Why not just go all the way and have them flash urple?"

"You _want_ her eyes to flash urple?" Myth asked, equally incredulous.

"And what's with the conspiracy thing?" Beth continued, ignoring Myth.

"Oh, she's just paranoid." Twitchy flapped a hand to his forehead in a mimic of Veronica. "They call it Help-Help-The-World's-Out-To-Get-Me Syndrome, or Help-Help Syndrome for short. Classic 'Sue symptom."

Myth was scanning The Words during this little exchange, making notes in her notebook, and managed to nudge all three of them with her elbows at the same time.

"Check this out," she pointed.

_Veronica opened the folder and pulled out two of the letters. "Both of these are from schools in England. One is Smeltings Academy and the other is Stonewall High. You see they have already heard of my reputation for getting the kids to learn. I am willing to share my knowledge with anyone who is willing to learn." _

"I thought Smeltings only took men as teachers."

"_I am as good as any man. I will get the respect that I deserve." Veronica closed the file folder._

"Those who are inexperienced in the ways of 'Sue identification," Myth said, adopting a lecturing tone, "Observe the rabid feminism. It's not even really feminism, technically, because she's speaking only of herself, whereas true feminism-"  
"We get it," Twitchy interrupted her.

"Careful, guys." Sushi was eyeing a fog coming in through the walls. It seemed to be... talking. In many tiny little voices. Very scratchy voices, like ones you'd find on an old record. "I think that's the 'fog of faded memories' rolling in."

"So... now she's the defender of the weak," Twitchy commented. "Hey, isn't that a series by Tamora Pierce?"  
"That's 'Protector of the Small'," Myth told him, "And _that, _my comrades-at-arms, is a wonderful example of female empowerment and-"  
"Myth, did she just shoot a beam of red light out of her hand?" Beth asked in the tone of someone wishing to be told otherwise.

There was a moment of disbelieving silence from the agents.  
"I think she did," Sushi said calmly. "How interesting."

"Aww, look, she's having a memory attack," Twitchy cooed. "How endearing. Except for the part where it's not."

"Look, that boy just pulled out a wand!" Sushi was pointing to a boy who was now sticking said wand back into his bag. "...oh, don't tell me he's going to spill his guts about magic to her. I may be sick."

"I think it's fascinating that none of the students think this is odd at all," Beth told Myth, who was again scribbling away in the notebook.

"Yeah, go figure," Myth responded absent-mindedly. "That's definitely going on the list."

"And she's beloved of her students," Twitchy said, and went on in a squeaky falsetto, "Lookit me, I'm so beeeoootiful and smart and clever and nice, yet can discipline my class in seconds if needful, and I probably have Snape and Lupin and Sirius fall madly-"  
"I like how you drew out beautiful," Sushi told him seriously, "It showed exactly how important that ideal is to society in general."  
"...You sound like a weird hybrid of Myth and Luna, you know that, right?" Twitchy told her.

Sushi shrugged, supremely unconcerned. "I do what I can. Besides-" She waved in the general direction of Veronica, who was now watching her students snap their pencils in half because she was too expensive to keep around. "Look at her. She's the very model of what the author wishes she looked like."

"Heads up, you guys." Myth pointed at the words. "We're about to hit a chapter change. Only a minor time shift, so it shouldn't be too bad, but-"

The world shook before she could finish that sentence with "-hold on to something," and the four of them were sprawled on the hallway floor watching Veronica follow her students down the stairs.

Six minutes later, Myth solemnly handed Sushi an airsickness bag. "You were right. He's baring his inner soul."

Sushi eyed the bag. "When I said I would be sick, I was being facetious."  
"Keep it," Beth advised, her eyes scanning The Words. "You may need it later."

* * *

Isabel's A/N (Because she continued writing and reading, even if she made no appearance. That, dear possible reviewers, is commitment): And so we continue on our killing journey. Laissez les bon temps roulez.

Myth's A/N: Oh. The. Horror. Yes, I know we've griped about this before, but there have been even more crossovers added to the later chapters. It has gone from being merely an X-men/Harry Potter/ Star Wars/ InuYasha crossover to an X-men/Harry Potter/ Star Wars/ InuYasha/ Power Rangers: Mystic Force/ Pirates of the Caribbean/ Charmed crossover. Oh, and another story on her profile puts in Lord of the Rings. Yes, I'm whining. You would be too, if you had to read this whole thing for research.


End file.
